I can't fucking sit still, can't concentrate, can't let myself be still and just listen. I must create some form of chaos. I can't let everything go by in routine, can't let life be structured, I can't handle the structure, when my mind is so crazy. But I like it, I love it; the insanity. So much that I think it was never there in the first place, maybe it's something I created. Maybe I wanted this. Maybe I looked deep inside myself one day and found something so interesting, so compelling that I couldn't let it go. Couldn't let it stay under the surface of my mind. I want to keep it forever, to use as I please...I want to lead an insane and unpredictable life.
For some reason the earth crashing down upon my head. I can feel it's wieght crushing me...and I can't stop it, because maybe I don't wish to. I would like to enjoy the relief that happens when that wieght is lifted...but then again...I feel the need to take it. Maybe because it's a way out; the problems, the pressure. Becuase it's everyone else's fault, because I need a cause, an excuse, let me blame them and never thyself. But then again, I am right now, blaming myself for blaming others...
I could stand up right now and lift the world off my shoulders. But then I lose the comfort of being able to call on others for my mistakes, and if they hadn't done what they did I wouldn't be an emotional mess. I've let them persuade my emotions into ditress. I've gone weak, becuase that's a comfort I'd like to keep, something I've been able to get away with, something I'd like to sneak into and hide away late into the day when the ground wants to crumble beneath my feet. I fall into oblivion. Becuase that's all I know, my escape. Hopelessness.
Insanity appeals to me in so many ways, and if I keep asking for it, I'll get it. Keep playing the roll, it'll become you. You'll find maybe it really was there all along, hiding beneath the surface, waiting for a chance to appear...
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