Little Orange Friend

So Diana is helping me now with all this shit. Medication to help. Talking. Crying. Learning. Discovering.
And a little orange friend.
Staying in a hotel with Mom for a couple days, then back to homme with the Grinch is gone for a while.
Pack up our shit and leave.
We don't knwo where, we dont knwo how.
But it's gotta happen, we can't stay there anymore, Mom can't take it.
It makes me sick what he's done to our family.
It makes me happy that he let us be on our own.
I get to see Benny since I'm in his town now, it takes a second to go see him.
Mom's working for the first time at the camp tonight,
I'll be with Benny until she gets back.
Friends don't help much, but a much needed distraction.
A laugh.
A hug.
Whatever, it's all the same shit, a cycle, I just hope it all ends and I can have some relief.
Hope I can have my own home to stay in.
This ends right now.

FUCK YOU.

I'm so fucking sick of your shit.
Do you know how you make me feel?

No you couldn't even imagine.

You think I have something better to do with my life? Think that I have something better?
I dont't. I have this.
Everywhere.
In my mind. Infecting everything.
I can't think of anything else, you poisoned it. I can't imagine anything else
No matter how bad I want to.
It all has to do with this.
Has to do with your shit.
Has do to do with you and all of your fucking BULLLLSHIIIIIT.
You can't imagine how much Im burning iinside from fury.
How much I wanna puke when I think of your face!!!!!!!
You can't even see what you've done.
Even when it's right in front of your face. Staring at you.
I have righ tin front of you.
screaming iwth my eyes. I wish You Would Just Understand.
How you've destroyed my life.

I Am Jack's Deep-Thought

Taking a step back from the real world, I lik eto look at things as if I were a character in a movie or book, and all of my little dramas are just so laughable, so insignificant that I can react the way the the character would, and life would seem to go on as if it were a dream. So easy and tolerable.

But then it all snaps back into place before I can even enforce that decision.
I wonder often why such things happen to good people, as do everyone else.
And I've come to the conclusion that it's not a punishment, but a puzzle i have to work out, to make me stronger in my will to survive, my intellect, even emotionally. Making me solve these difficult life prolems as to make me into some sort of "super-human" sort of.
And when it comes down to it, people have surved much worse than a parents divorce, than molestation, a difficult breakup, heartbreak, being lied to; it all comes down to the way you deal with it, the way it affects you, and if you're strong enough.
I don't know if "God" planned this all out for me or some other higher being, or if it's just something man created so we can cop ewith life in a way that satisfies ourselves. In a way that makes us feel more enlightened, even if the enlightenment comes from our own minds. No one's given it to us, we create it from within our own strengthes. I don't need Jesus to tell me that Sins are Sins because it's something you must know deep within your heart, something you create as well as the punishment that goes along with it. You wont go to "hell", but you sure will get a good dosage of karma your way for the things you do in life. It's just the way it is. If there were no morlas such as these, no "sins" to commit, life would have no meaning, nothing to gain, nothing to lose. Just Chaos. Which doesn't give as much fufillment as you would imagine.
In face, going through life in infinite pleassure, no punishment for our wrongdoings, only graditude and praise, how would you even have a consince? How would guilt lead you onto your spirituality.

Maybe, it's not spirituality that we look for, but a sense that our world is in favor of us, because we are ourselves. Because we accept ourselves for the person that we are. The indiviual that chose to do the "right thing" and felt good about it. Our own makebelieve spirtuality.

I Am Jack's Sick Reality

This picture both sickens, disturbs, and intrigues me..at the same time.(:

Now I feel like a fool. Thinking that there was nothing I could do to be happy again...
No, I don't feel the same joy as I did before. I don't know how long it's going to take to get that back...But I think I'm willing to go through it all.
School life is my escape. I think it always will be. This is my life. Home is just paradox. It's my other world.
My OTHER life. My not as goood life. Too many memeories following me around in my head, wherever I go.
There's nothing I can do about that until I turn 18. Nothing I can do until I can legally escape, until I can get out into the real world, out of my head. Into that sweet, sweet oblivion for good. Permanent.
Or maybe not. Maybe I wont be able to handle life on my own...I'm so scared of doing things on my own.
But it'll be okay...That's all so far away. But not too far away, really, it's gonna be jumping up on me as soon as I turn around. As soon as I begin to relax.
Take me away sweet blue. Take me away and never look back, don't forget about me, don't drop me back into this sick reality. This twisted world. It's makes me shake inside myself. Makes me afraid to be alive, to really live.
But I gotta jump in, I gotta get into the obscenities. I've got to love it, embrace it.
Everyone else can do it, why can't I?

Some of my favorite lyrics (Sunshine In A Bag)

Finally someone let me outa' my cage
Now time for me is nothin' cuz I'm countin' no age
Naw I couldn't be there, now you shouldn't be scared
I'm good at repairs (s'all simple), and I'm under each snare
Intangible (aww naw), bet you didn't think so I command you to
Panoramic view (you), look I'll make it all manageable
Pick and choose (hmph), sit and loose, all you different crews
Chicks and dudes, who you think is really kickin' tunes
Picture you gettin down in a picture too, like you lit the fuse
You think it's fictional, mystical, maybe
Spiritual, hear all who appears in you to clear your view when (yeah) your too crazy
Lifeless, to those a definition for what life is
Priceless, to you because I put you on the hype shit
Ya like it
Gun smokin', righteous with one, token psychic among
they'll posess you with one go

I ain't happy, I' m feelin glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long the future is comin' on

I ain't happy, I' m feelin glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long the future (that's right) is comin' on
is comin' on is comin' on is comin' on is comin' on

The essence, the basics
Without it you make it
Allow me to make this childlike in nature
Rythm, you have it or you don't
That's a fallacy
I'm in them
Every sprouting tree, every child apiece
Every cloud at sea
You see with your eyes, I see destruction and demise
Corruption in the skies (that's right)
From this fuckin' enterprise, now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russ so not his muscles but percussion he provides
With me as a (say what) guide
Y'all can see me now cuz you don't see with you eye
You percieve with your mind
Thats the end (fuck em)
So I'ma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes (bah boom boom boom boom) so mother fuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this, so you can survive when law is lawless(why here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead (yup)
No squeeling, remember that it's all in your head

They're Everywhere!

Last night in every dream I had tiny, little spiders were crawling all over me wherever I went. They weren't hurting me, and I almost didn't care, but i just wanted them to go away. I just wanted to be left alone.
And I felt this meant somthing, truly. Soooo...I found an answer...sort of.
And it means EVERYTHING considering mine and Benny's phone conversation last night...maybe the worste conversation of my life...probably not.
Just made me feel like shittttt...

SPIDERS : Spiders are a little like snakes in that they usually refer to something bad in your life. They will usually refer to some situation where you feel trapped or stuck. Perhaps you dislike your job and wish to move to something more interesting. Perhaps you feel stuck in a relationship. Just think of those emotions about being caught in a spiders web. Where do you feel that same sense in real life or been unable to move.

QUESTIONS to help you make associations(pick the one that makes most sense to you)
- Do you feel stuck in some relationship?
- Are there some responsibilites that are holding you back?
- Do you feel unable to escape some situation or relationship?
- Are you wanting to make a decision but unable to right now?
- Do you feel trapped right now?

KEY WORDS : Stuck, trapping, depression, lack of freedom, responsibilities holding you back, unable to escape, wary(write down some quotes that capture your key feelings on issues that have been dominating your mind. Then see if any of these words could appear in those quotes)

KEY PHRASES(Pick a quote which captures your feelings right now. Think especially of the day before the dream) :

- "I feel trapped in depression"

- "My family will just not let me have my freedom"

- "I don’t feel she can ever escape from this situation she has got herself in"

- "This problem is dominating all aspects of my life"

- "I feel trapped in my job"

- "I have not got the freedom to do that because of my responsibilities"

- "I am just stuck here"

- "I feel unable to make a decision"

- "I am trying to entice them"

- "I have finally got my man!"

Take Me Away, Will You Please?

I'm suprisingly having one of the best mornings I've had in so freaking long.Again, with the RockstarPunched and doritos... No suprise there...

I want to get messed up tonight.

Head up to Chris's, plop on the couch and just rip  that bong all fuckin night...although I perfer joints.

Ive been avoiding getting stoned actually, due to my excessive paranoia...If I do I hide in my room by myself and try to not think about anything.

I've been assigned by this couceler, her name is Melissa and I love her energy, she makes me feel happy with life... I've been assigned to write down everything I appreciate during my day...

So I shall. When I think about it I appreciate so fucking much. But I don't express it enough.

          Last night I talked to him about how I feel like I'm just drifting away from him. He feels like I just don't like him anymore, at all. I do though. But it's like my brain just can't focus on that. Never the good things that I need to focus on.

I feel bad for the way I act toward him sometimes. But I just can't stop the way I feel...

I just need to get away for a while Slip away into my sweet, tender oblivion... Dark blue sea. My shimmering dreamland. Take me away, will you please.